Surrender Redefined

In hopes of becoming a licensed user on another zoom account I went through the steps to accept the zoom invite from a trusted person and nonprofit organization only to find that I just gave up rights to my own zoom account. I was in shock when I realized that my zoom account, all the recordings, all the zoom links, all the data on my own account was DELETED. I was no longer the owner. I called the founder and she was able to delete me as a licensed user on that zoom account, but that didn’t help the situation with my own account. I will be reimbursed for the remaining pro-rated amount that I had left on the purchase of the year for my account by this non-profit for which I am thankful. But still remains the reality of what has happened.

(Remaining content may be challenging to read for survivors because of mention of spiritual things)
I need to let go of all of this as a loss and find a way to move on. How timely that this happens as I am teaching and going through a bible study titled “Surrendered” by Barb Roose. So I did the only thing I could do. I went to God and felt my feelings of anger, sadness without holding back and just let the feelings flow. I was so thankful that when I don’t know what to do I can go to my Daddy God, my Abba Father. It wasn’t that long ago that I had some spiritual breakthroughs in my prayer ministry sessions. I still had parts who were afraid of being alone in my house and going to God or Jesus in prayer. I felt like I wanted to call my husband who was not in the house or a friend that could pray with me and I didn’t. I just sat with God and poured out my heart, let go with open hands and surrendered to Him. I let go of all of what was happening because I knew that in letting go, that is when I can receive what He has for me and that He can work things for my good in any situation.

I am learning that surrendering is not giving up or giving in like the white flag of surrender when an enemy has had enough and then they are turning themselves in like a prisoner of war. With God it is a giving over like from my shoulders to His, making that beautiful sweet transfer. Yes, I’m still participating in the situation and taking action but leaving it in His capable hands to give me His wisdom, to allow Him to calm my worried heart, to completely trust in Him and knowing that He is for me, not against me. Also, there was a knowing that His care for me trumps any other person on earth and His love for me flows to me give me comfort, the peace that surpasses all comprehension, even when having to face something unexpected, and unplanned.

I looked at the words that came up after typing in the zoom chat my question. It said “you are no longer the owner of this account.” I smiled as I knew what God was teaching me.

In the exchange I made with handing over my zoom account to the nonprofit I really didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t realize that I was handing it all over and that my account was being deleted. And then to remedy the situation on their end they ended up deleting me off as a licensed user. What I learned in all of this is that in this time of surrendering and letting go is this…

I truly am not the owner of my life. As a child of God, a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, my life is no longer my own. My life belongs to Jesus Christ and God almighty. My life and all the situations that arise, belong to God.
This is a huge thing for a survivor of trauma like me to accept and to be ok with. My life was never my own as I had been a total mind control slave conditioned with what to do, what to think, even bypassing my own free will. My body was never my own and was a playground and target for anyone to do whatever they wanted to me. My emotions were not allowed to be expressed and they were not a part of my life for much of my life.
It is a miracle that I am at the point of being able to know that my life is in the best hands there are…Gods. And that I am ok with that. I trust Him with my life. I know that He is faithful. I know that He is good and works all things for my good because I love Him.

I used to think that surrender was similar to my abuse experience which meant being forced to submit through torture, terror, demands, commands, punishment and abuse until you just give up everything. My rights, my body, my mind, my soul, my emotions, my life. That is what I gave up. That is what was taken from me. Allowing God to have access to those places used to feel similar to trauma to me because going to Him is a giving over and letting Him have His way with all the places I protected from my abusers.

My abusers could not get to my heart and soul where the essence of me lies. My soul which God created with beauty, love, and in His image. How beautiful that He knows that the tender wounded places within us need time and His healing to get us to a place where we can experience something different with Him, in His time, in His ways. Not a moment sooner.
During the tender moments that I had with God as I let my feelings flow and shared what I needed, I realized some very sweet truths. Jesus had wept. Jesus had tears. Jesus understands what it is like to be human. But He surrendered all even though He knew that He was going to the cross to die. He said not my will but Yours be done. He knew what He was doing however. He knew that He was making a way that we could have a relationship with God. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.

In preparation for my complete surrendering to God, He had helped me to reclaim what was stolen from me. My emotions, my mind, my free will, my body, my soul, and He handed it all back to me and said “Here, I am giving these back to you because they were stolen from you.”
Today I am giving all of myself back to Him; except this time I am not giving up myself. I am giving my whole self over to the only One who truly knows me, loves me unconditionally,