This may be challenging to read. Use self care.
I've discovered a truth both liberating and incredibly terrifying: one of my biggest obstacles is the existence of a silent war with vigilante parts within me who are armed with ammunition that ricochet through my internal dissociated landscape to keep me in exile. A battle once fought in whispers and shadows with silent screams has now come to light through connecting with the general who knows the conditioned battle plan. Strategic programming went into constructing the fortress within built from trauma and torture erecting thick walls between us to keep us separated. What was once hidden has now been revealed. Unveiling the curtain reveals terrified threatened parts with deeply ingrained beliefs that paralyze us from the very freedom that I crave and suffocate any chances of truly living. Until..... With determination I grasp the reins of my own destiny and reach past the walls of conditioning to embrace the parts that have lived in torment. I find myself grappling not with external chains of a prisoner but with the invisible restraints woven in the fabric of my fractured psyche.
This is where our true battle for freedom begins – in the mind and in the often painful dialogue with our parts of self that wage war against us.
The Echoes of Control
Many of us with DID and those of us who have had mind control have parts that still believe terrible consequences will unfold if we dare to make our own choices or tap into our creativity and passions. It's as if there's an invisible stringed puppet master, and any move towards independence will cause everything to come crashing down.
These fears aren't unfounded. They're the result of systematic conditioning. Parts of me were trained to pay attention and follow orders (the external voices of my abusers and the conditioned commands in my mind). Cult loyal parts had to give their unwavering loyalty to those who had power and control over them, feeling compelled to report every little change in my life. It's a heavy burden for parts of self to carry. It's no wonder that then I end up feeling this constant need then for external validation and permission. Even when identities break free of the hold that the group had on them, I'm left with parts who won't allow me to do something on my own.
The Programming Runs Deep
Within the system of someone who has been mind controlled are parts that carry programming. Some are trained to obey commands that activate at certain times of the year, operating on autopilot without conscious awareness. Some are put in place to reinforce the conditioning (a backup program in case the first part goes against the commands). These messages are deeply embedded in our psyche.
The cruel irony is that some of our parts believe they're protecting us by maintaining this silence and not acting on their own accord to the point of thinking it is deadly to do so. They carry the weight of threats, thinking their compliance keeps us and our loved ones safe. It's a tangled web of loyalty, fear, and misplaced protection.
What's particularly challenging is the incredible strength of the conditioning for cult-loyal identities. For these parts, going against their programming feels like a matter of life and death, and extreme urgency if they were to go against it. And rightfully so, given what they've experienced. Untying the ropes of loyalty and the trauma bonds is a delicate and extremely painful process. It takes patience, understanding, and a gentle approach to help these parts see beyond their programmed loyalty. This process doesn't happen overnight and involves facing the harsh truth of what happened when that programming was initiated. It means confronting the reality of the abusers' lack of love and care. For the identities who believed they were loved and who thought that they meant something special to the abuser and group, this leads to an incredible sense of loss. It's a devastating realization, but a necessary one for healing to occur.
Each Memory, A Victory
But here's the truth that our abusers never wanted us to realize: each recovered memory and discovered lie is a victory and celebration of regaining ourself. Every time we connect with a part of ourselves, we're rescuing a piece of our identity from the clutches of our past. We're reclaiming what is rightfully ours. Our self; our autonomy apart from them.
Recently, I connected with two parts who believed they were a snake and a tarantula. We named them Sammie and Tammy. Through gentle communication and patience, we helped them shed their "animal suits" and reconnect with their true human selves. It was a profound moment of transformation, undoing years of deception and pain.
The Shock of Truth
Healing unfolds like a tapestry of startling revelations, each thread unraveling a new, often painful truth. Within my intricate system, some parts were woven into a grand illusion of fame and importance, basking in the false glow of celebrity-like status and prestige. But this glittering facade was crafted only to be violently torn away, leaving raw wounds in its wake.
The contrast is stark and disorienting. On one side, parts believed they were cherished and valuable; on the other, parts burdened with the crushing belief that they are worthless, subhuman, dead and nonexistent but that if they appear they are the most vile of creatures. This internal conflict is not just a battle of beliefs, but a war for our very sense of self-worth and identity. The devastation of this realization cannot be overstated. It's as if these parts are falling from the heights of adoration into an abyss of self-loathing, a descent that feels endless and inescapable. The whiplash between these extreme states – from revered to reviled – is a psychological trauma in itself, compounding the original abuse. Like the hurricanes that storm around us, the harsh reality of exploitation is staggering and the death toll of dreams mounts daily.
Outsmarting the Masters of Manipulation
What continues to amaze me is the incredible logic and reasoning our parts demonstrate when they begin to see through the smoke screens. They start to discern the stark differences between what our abusers told us and reality. It's both empowering and heartbreaking to witness.
Facing this truth brings waves of grief. We mourn for the innocence lost, for the trust that was shattered. We grieve for the parts of us who believed in the false love and care of our abusers, only to realize the depth of betrayal. The devastation is profound and recurring as each part faces how they were tricked, exploited, used, abused, rejected, discarded, and lied to after being treated like someone of extreme importance.
Breaking the Chains of Fear
As we continue to heal, we encounter fear-based beliefs that hold us back. Here are some of mine:
"It's not safe to be myself." - A core belief instilled by those who sabotaged our attempts at authenticity.
"You will be punished." - Echoes of a childhood where almost everything led to severe consequences.
"You aren't allowed to do this." - The result of systematic efforts to crush our confidence, not be able accomplish success or have creative pursuits and spontaneity.
"To stay alive I have to stay small." - A survival strategy that no longer serves us.
Hearing our identities is a huge step. We must give voice to our defenders, and our persecutors, protectors and cult-loyal parts allowing them to express their fears. My tool of choice is through writing. It's through this expression that we begin to see the smoke and mirrors for what they are.
Living Our Best Life Today
So, how do we move forward? How do we live our best life after experiencing total control, manipulation, exploitation, and dehumanization? How do we cope with the roadblocks put by our abusers with parts who believe that continuing to live under that control is the only way to protect us?
The path is not straight or easy. It's a winding road filled with obstacles, setbacks, and moments of profound difficulty. Every day, I find myself pushing against the programming, climbing over the conditioned roadblocks that were purposefully put in my way. It's exhausting, and at times, it feels impossible. I believe that all things are possible with God. That is what keeps me going.
Unwavering self-compassion has become my weapon of choice. When fear-laden parts emerge from the shadows of my psyche, I meet them not with resistance, but with reverence. Their terror, born from misguided protection, is a testament to our survival - and they are deserving of honor, even as we outgrow their original role. This week we shattered another illusion, dispelling the belief that we were a snake and a spider - creatures feared by others and within ourselves. In this delicate dance of resolving beliefs like that we are poisonous and deadly, we challenge those beliefs not by dismissal, but by illumination. We question the plausibility of the beliefs and look at present reality, balancing respect for their origin with the courage to evolve beyond them. It is in this crucible of compassion and critical thinking that we forge our new truths, transforming the very fabric of our being. We overcame the belief that we were a snake and a tarantula. That roadblock is no longer holding us back.
I've found immense power in celebrating small victories. Every decision I make for myself, every creative pursuit I engage in, no matter how minor it may seem, is a brave step towards freedom.
These moments of autonomy help build internal trust. Slowly but surely, my parts are learning that it's safe to exist, to have thoughts, opinions, and emotions. They're realizing that we're no longer under the control of our abusers.
This journey isn't one we are meant to walk alone. My support people have been my husband, survivor friends, therapist and hand in hand with my parts. As Sammie and Tammy integrated into me I saw them walking hand in hand down a well worn path, but I felt them returning to inhabit me where they belong. Today I felt the emotions that Sammie had felt when I was banished from the mock garden of Eden. The love and acceptance I had given him I was now giving to me. My parts have been what has kept me going when things get tough. Now I am noticing more strength, more integration – not necessarily of all of my parts merging, but like merging together and sharing more co-conscious experiences. All of these fragments make up who I am. I'm experiencing more freedom. Living our best life with DID is possible, one brave moment at a time. Some days, that courage might look like staying on the couch watching a movie. Other days, like today it might be writing about pursuing a long-held dream of wanting to push past another roadblock in the programming that holds me back. Every step counts.
We were never meant to stay small, silent, or invisible. We are meant to thrive, to create, to love, and to live fully. It's a daily choice to face our fears, to listen to our internal voices rather than the echoes of our abusers. With each of these choices to push past these roadblocks by connecting with these parts of us who hold incredible fear, we prove that we are more than the trauma and torture of our past and braver than we previously knew! I'm a person, a human being who longs for a day when my programming no longer holds me back. Until then my best life is today! It's challenging. It's ongoing, but it's worth it. We're worth it. Let's keep moving one courageous step at a time.
Shari, as usual, you absolutely nailed it yet again!!!!