Having survived abuse and living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), I've discovered that managing relationships presents unique challenges. Recently, I celebrated 31 years of marriage with my best friend, who has been my greatest source of support, indicating that I must be doing something right. LOL I've also realized that the complexity of living with DID is heightened when interacting with others who also have multiple identities. In this article, I will recount my experiences and insights on navigating these intricate relationships, sharing strategies that have aided me on this journey. It hasn't been easy, but having connection in relationship with others has been the most rewarding thing about life and is the reason for much healing and recovery from abuse. Harm was done in the context of a relationship. Healing comes from connection in a healthy relationship.
The Challenge: A Maze of Shifting Perspectives
One of the most significant challenges in relationships involving DID is the constant flux of thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and emotions from multiple parts within a system. This can lead to confusing and sometimes contradictory interactions. My husband has been such a great listener and hears from multiple parts in any given conversation. There have been times that I said things or did things that I don't remember (because it was a different part) and thankfully he reminds me so that my awareness sinks in that yes I had indeed "said that or done that". Thankfully as I have gained more awareness and wholeness as a system those times are fewer and farther apart. It seems that the closer the relationship (spouse or partner) the more chances of conflict because the other person feels safe enough to have more intimacy. Being vulnerable doesn't come easy for some parts and protectors who don't trust yet (for good reason from past trauma) can come out and cause difficulties when least expected. If the person we are in relationship with takes this personal things can quickly escalate into a defensive battle with a protector who feels the need to keep the other person from harming a younger part. I'm writing a guide on relationships to help supporters and therapists be able to have better interactions with those of us who have DID.
When dealing with friendships and intimate relationships where both have DID systems the chance for challenges goes up.
For example, I once experienced a situation where a friend with DID told me they were taking a break from social media, phone calls, texting, and support groups. They even stepped back from two groups we both attended. Shortly after, another part of their system reached out with their schedule, eager to spend one-on-one time with me. This stark contrast left me bewildered and unsure how to proceed. I shared my confusion with them and they said they mentioned cutting back on some things but not with their texting or phone calls. Parts in a system can have quite different wants, needs, and desires and the person may or may not be co-conscious of the decisions some of the parts are making with the people they are in relationship with.
These experiences highlight a crucial aspect of relationships involving DID: things are constantly changing. What's true one moment might not be the next, making it challenging to maintain consistent connections.
The Solution: Clear Communication and Flexibility
While there's no one-size-fits-all solution, I've found that clear communication, patience, giving grace and having flexibility are key to navigating these relationships successfully. Here are some strategies that have proven effective for me:
Clarify and Confirm: Don't hesitate to ask for clarity when you're unsure. It's okay to say, "I'm a bit confused. Earlier, I heard you wanted space, but now it seems you'd like to spend time together. Could you help me understand what you need right now?"
Identify the Part: When appropriate, it can be helpful to ask, "Which part am I speaking with right now?" This can provide context for the conversation and help avoid misunderstandings.
Use "I" Statements: Express your own feelings and experiences using "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, "I feel confused when I receive different messages" instead of "You're sending mixed signals."
Practice Active Listening: Repeat back what you've heard to ensure you've understood correctly. "So, if I'm understanding right, you're saying..."
Be Patient and Understanding: Remember that the person you're interacting with may not always be aware of what other parts have said or done. Approach these situations with compassion and patience.
Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and communicate your own boundaries clearly. It's okay to say, "I need consistency in our plans to feel secure in our friendship."
Stay Flexible: Be prepared for plans or agreements to change. Having a flexible mindset can help reduce frustration and disappointment.
The Importance of Clarity and Self-Care
In my experience, clarity is paramount in these relationships. It's not just about clear communication with others, but also about being clear with yourself about your own needs and boundaries.
I've learned that it's crucial to take care of myself first. This might mean setting limits on how much emotional energy I can invest in navigating complex relationships. It's okay to step back when things become too overwhelming or confusing to regroup and practice self care.
A Note on Professional Advice
It's worth noting that in the past, some therapists advised their clients against interacting with others who have DID, believing these relationships were doomed to fail. However, my experience has been quite different. Some of my closest and most meaningful friendships are with other survivors who have DID.
These relationships, while complex, can be incredibly rewarding. They offer a unique level of understanding and empathy that can be hard to find elsewhere. Who else but another survivor really "gets it" and I am so grateful for the fact that I don't have to explain triggers, flashbacks, PTSD or stress responses or give details or lengthy explanations for the things that survivors deal with on a daily basis. When in relationship with someone who has DID, I encourage approaching them with awareness, patience, and a commitment to open communication.
Navigating relationships as someone with DID, especially with others who also have DID, is undoubtedly challenging. It requires patience, clear communication, and a willingness to adapt. However, these relationships can also be profoundly rewarding, offering a depth of understanding and connection that is truly special.
Remember, it's okay to ask questions, seek clarity, and prioritize your own well-being. With the right tools and mindset, it's possible to build and maintain meaningful connections, even amidst the complexities of DID.
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