Childhood can be a time filled with laughter, excitement, and the pure joy of play. But for many survivors of trauma and abuse, these seemingly simple pleasures did not exist or were few and far between. As an adult play, excitement, laughing and expressing happy emotions can become sources of anxiety and distress instead of lighthearted experiences and anything that mimics childhood actions like playfulness may be avoided at all costs. I loved to play with my children as they were growing up and I enjoyed their laughter, playfulness and watching them have fun. I can remember one time however when I was watching my children doing silly, fun actions and I laughed so hard that I became terribly afraid. I began to focus on my heart rate which was unusually fast and my breathing and I began to have a panic attack. I literally thought that I was having a heart attack or that something was physically wrong. I didn't realize it at the time, but I later realized that my brain was associating fun with trauma responses. I would still laugh and enjoy my children but I learned that I needed to supress the little girl in me so that I wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. I loved doing aerobics and began teaching classes. I had a couple times where I would really get into the music and let myself feel excited and it would trigger that same fear response and I thought there was something physically wrong. My body's natural responses to excitement —like an increased heart rate or quickened breathing—was being misinterpreted by my trauma brain as signals of danger, especially when those same physical sensations were once linked to fear and abuse. This confusion between excitement and fear is rooted deeply in the brain's survival mechanisms, which were shaped by past experiences.
The Brain's Survival Center: Excitement and Fear Intertwined
The brain's survival center, particularly the amygdala and hypothalamus, play critical roles in how we respond to both fear and excitement. When something triggers these emotions, the body prepares itself for action by activating the sympathetic nervous system. This activation leads to physical changes like a faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and a surge of adrenaline the same responses that prepare us for fight, flight, or freeze.
For someone who has experienced trauma, these physical sensations can be overwhelming and be closely linked to feeling fear again even when there is no longer any danger. It's like the brain gets stuck in survival mode on high alert 24/7. Because trauma conditions the brain to associate these body sensations with danger, the excitement that should accompany playfulness and joy can be misread as a threat. This confusion can cause a survivor to stifle their playfulness, avoiding situations that would naturally bring happiness, simply because their body’s responses are too similar to those triggered by fear.
The Impact of Controlling and Abusive Environments
The impact of trauma is often compounded by the environments in which a child is raised. In homes like mine where there was an angry or drunk parent, an abusive husband, or in controlling family systems that demands silence and order, the natural expression of joy and playfulness was suppressed. These environments teach children that making noise, laughing, or playing could lead to negative consequences or danger. As a result, they learn to suppress their emotions and desires for fun, internalizing the belief that play and joy were dangerous or wrong. This followed me into my adult life.
Relearning Joy and Playfulness
The good news is that it’s possible to reclaim the joy that was lost. The danger is over, and with time and the right support, survivors can learn to differentiate between the physical sensations of fear and those of excitement. Here are some steps that can help:
Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practicing mindfulness can help survivors stay present and differentiate between the past and the present. I took DBT class and learned mindfulness, grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or focusing on the senses, and was able to reduce the anxiety and bring my body back to a state of calm when faced with triggers. The biggest most helpful thing I did was to take some deep breaths and get my body responses like breath and heart rate to slow down. This would interrupt the fight, flight, freeze responses and regulate my emotions to prevent from going into a panic attack.
Gradual Exposure to Fun Activities: Start small by engaging in activities that bring joy but are not too overwhelming. Gradually increasing exposure to playful situations can help retrain the brain to associate excitement with positive experiences rather than fear.
Therapy: Working with a therapist, especially one trained in trauma recovery, can be incredibly beneficial. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these emotions and help survivors reconnect with their playful side. I would paint in my therapist's office because there were parts of me who were convinced something bad would happen and they needed that safe environment. Even my supportive husband did not feel safe enough to some trauma parts of me.
Safe Relationships: Surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding people who encourage playfulness can make a significant difference. Safe relationships can provide the security needed to explore joy without fear. I did fun things with my grandchildren like painting together, playing games, and being out in the swimming pool.
Self-Compassion: It’s essential to be kind to oneself during this process. Reclaiming joy and playfulness after trauma is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
Moving Forward
Several years ago I purchased a used golf cart and was able to enjoy riding in the small town where I live. It was mine, I felt some measure of excitement when I let myself and it was great for retraining my brain to allow me to feel joy and slowly I have reclaimed by ability to play. This summer I got a used above the ground pool and have enjoyed spending time in the water and feeling connected with the littles within and learning how to relax and practice "being" instead of "doing". I still have responsibilities but reclaiming the ability to play, feel excitement, and experience joy is a significant part of healing from trauma. This week a friend and I experienced "joy" together on a zoom and we talked about this topic and how the brain gets stuck in survival. I loved being with my friend while our brains were were creating new neuropathways that associate play and excitement with joy and pleasure instead of danger. It takes time and although the journey may be challenging, it’s important to remember that it’s possible to reconnect with these parts of yourself. The danger has passed, and now is the time to embrace the excitement that life has to offer. Joy and play are not only possible but essential for a fulfilling life, and with patience and perseverance, they can become a natural part of your world once again.
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