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As a survivor of abuse, I've intimately experienced the intricate dance between trauma and the physical self. During chiropractic treatments or while processing memories, I've witnessed bruises, burns, whip marks, and cuts materialize on my skin, only to fade away as swiftly as they appeared. I've grappled with persistent and chronic rashes, hives for months at a time, and inexplicable pain from remembering torture that I had experienced that had been dissociated out of my mind. I have experienced pain and illness that defied explanation even after extensive testing. These experiences set me on a path of discovery and healing that I'm compelled to share.
The Language of the Body Through Somatization and Trauma
Somatization is our body's way of expressing psychological distress through physical symptoms - it's how our flesh and bones speak the unspeakable, translating emotional anguish into tangible physical pain, body sensations and ailments. For survivors like myself, chronic physical pain and illness often become unwelcome companions. Trauma fundamentally rewires how our bodies and brains process stress and pain. The persistent state of hypervigilance takes its toll with the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn trauma responses. Our brain has been hard wired for survival, manifesting as chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances.
Our nervous systems, thrown into disarray by trauma, can become stuck in states of hyper-arousal or hypo-arousal. This dysregulation tricks our bodies into perpetually reacting as if danger is imminent, even in the safest of environments.
Body memories, stored deep within our tissues, can trigger physical sensations tied to past traumas without any current physical cause. Conversely, some survivors experience a profound disconnection from physical sensations - a phenomenon known as dissociation.
I recall a survivor friend who was so detached from her physical self that she would bare-handedly remove scorching cookie sheets from the oven, forgetting to use a hotpad but then feeling no pain and showing no signs of burns.
This extreme dissociation serves as a protective mechanism, shielding the mind from overwhelming distress but then not being available when needed to react to physical stimulus.
As she progressed in her healing journey, reconnecting emotionally, mentally, and physically, her body gradually reclaimed its ability to respond normally to pain.
The interplay between implicit memory (unconscious, including procedural skills and emotional associations) and explicit memory (conscious recollection of facts and events) is crucial in understanding this. Trauma often lodges itself in implicit memory, leading to physical reactions without conscious awareness of the trigger.
Healing Through Connection and Holistic Approaches
In my journey, I've discovered the profound importance of attunement and safe connections with myself and relationship with others in healing. These relationships help regulate our nervous systems and forge new, positive associations. Safe, consensual touch can be transformative, rewiring our bodies' and mind in response to physical contact.
I embarked on an exercise to reclaim and reconnect with my body, acutely aware of how trauma had severed my connection to my physical self. I started with my big toe working my way up to my head, acknowledging each body part, expressing gratitude for its function and reconnecting through physically touching myself. This process evolved from mere acceptance to genuine love for my body - a significant shift from the hatred and betrayal I once felt.
This exercise built upon an earlier practice of self-acceptance. For eight months, I had been working on embracing my whole self, including the various identities I discovered within. Each morning, before I even got out of bed, I would hug myself, affirming aloud the words, "I love you, Sharri," and including the names of newly connected identities.
Recently, I've incorporated regular massages into my healing regimen. I found a massage therapist who intimately understood trauma herself, creating a safe space for me to reclaim my body through safe touch. This experience has been particularly healing for my "mother wound," as my abuse history included sexual abuse by my mother.
Connecting with dissociated parts or identities is vital - these aspects of ourselves hold the information that connects us with our past experiences and current needs. Integration of these parts paves the way for more complete healing.
Other helpful practices can include:
Mindful body scans
Keeping a body sensation journal
Grounding techniques like deep breathing or interacting with textured objects
Expressing trauma through movement therapies such as dance or yoga
In my healing process, I've learned to treat physical symptoms as very real manifestations of dissociated parts needing care and connection. I've learned to find balance and use discernment between seeking medical help when there is a current need and running to a doctor for every little thing (which was something I used to do in the past). I seek medical attention for chronic issues while simultaneously working with my therapist to connect with the parts of myself holding trauma memories. Healing sometimes happens swiftly, other times it's a gradual process. Journaling, art, and body movement have been invaluable tools in my recovery.
A pivotal moment in my journey involved severe gynecological issues. After a decade of debilitating vaginal bleeding, which often led me to the ER, a surgeon recommended a hysterectomy. By advocating for myself and seeking alternative opinions through the H.E.R.S. organization, I discovered there was no physical justification for such a drastic procedure. Instead, I found a less invasive solution through endometrial ablation at a university hospital.
This experience underscored the importance of listening to my body and its various parts, rather than blindly accepting medical protocols. It became a holistic process of obtaining the right tests, collaborating with my therapist, connecting with my identities, advocating for myself and approaching healing from emotional, mental, and physical angles. For me, spiritual healing has also been a vital component, bringing peace and hope as I seek wisdom and discernment.
As survivors, our paths to healing are as unique as our experiences. By understanding the mind-body connection, fostering safe and attuned relationships, and embracing a holistic approach to health, we can navigate our way to recovery and reclaim our whole selves.
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